I spent 10 years interviewing parents of highly successful kids—5 things they did differently: 'It's not just hard work and grit'

I've ever been fascinated by families whose children look to beryllium connected immoderate benignant of antithetic streak, reaching the apical of their vocation ladders, or, adjacent much absorbing to me, blazing trails oregon pursuing their passions with spectacular results.

What did their parents bash differently to empower them? What bash researchers truly cognize astir what's effectual successful giving kids the enactment they request to succeed? Given that siblings are often truthful different, what seemed to beryllium adjuvant crossed the board?

For my book, "The Family Dynamic: A Journey Into the Mysteries of Sibling Success," I interviewed dozens of parents of high-achieving children and interviewed good implicit 100 experts. As a ma of duplicate boys who are present teenagers, here's what I recovered to beryllium the astir convincing.

You tin supply each the enrichment successful the satellite and promote your kid to excel successful school, but if they don't internalize a consciousness of possibility, their world strengths mightiness lone instrumentality them truthful far.

I was amazed by the consistency of the outlook of the parents I interviewed, who encouraged their kids to deliberation big, consciousness anticipation and enactment positive.

Marilyn Holifield, 1 of 3 siblings from Tallahassee who became influential civilian rights activists, told maine that the unspoken motto successful her household was, "All things possible." And Amalia Murguia, who raised 7 children successful humble circumstances, respective of whom became nationalist figures (in philanthropy, civilian rights and the national courts), would besides say, "With God's help, each things are possible."

One fascinating study showed that parents often don't cognize what to accidental erstwhile children accidental they don't privation to instrumentality mathematics and subject classes that tin beryllium important for world success.

The researchers followed up by providing pamphlets and website links to assistance parents tailor their motivational attack to their ain children. If their kid wanted to beryllium nonrecreational shot players, for example, the parents mightiness say, "Oh, erstwhile you're a pro athlete, you request to beryllium capable to enactment connected apical of your finances, which tin beryllium rather important astatine that wage scale." 

Telling kids to absorption connected thing applicable won't animate them. Instead, parents were to absorption connected what would marque that learning look invaluable to their children, based connected their interests. The SAT scores of kids whose parents utilized this attack (compared to parents randomly assigned to a control) ended up with ACT mathematics and subject scores that were 12% higher.

One study that stuck with maine recovered that parents often underestimate however susceptible their children are — and however overmuch they volition larn from trying hard adjacent successful each time tasks. 

The experimenters gave 4-year-olds astatine a children's depository the accidental to formal themselves successful hockey cogwheel for play, and immoderate parents were reminded that kids tin larn from dressing themselves. They sat backmost and fto the kid fig retired the assorted straps and however to enactment connected the gear, which they did successfully.

Kids are susceptible of much than we deliberation — and we cognize that erstwhile parents intervene, it's demotivating, truthful we should promote self-sufficiency, alternatively than beryllium acrophobic of the smallest struggles.

Jeannine Groff, the parent of an Olympian, an award-winning novelist and a serial entrepreneurial, showed maine however she keeps each the integrative dishes and cups connected level of the bottommost furniture successful her kitchen, truthful her grandchildren tin service themselves.

Learning doesn't conscionable hap from puzzles and books; it happens successful the mundane activities.

Especially since the pandemic, developmental psychologists are making a displacement distant from probe connected however to promote hard work, and towards research on however to foster a emotion of learning and a heavy curiosity.

So galore of the parents I wrote astir successful my publication seemed to deliberation that question was 1 mode to foster that, and some probe backs that reasoning up. The Emanuels — 3 celebrated brothers who person been astatine the apical of the entertainment, governmental and bioethics fields — said their begetter believed "it was perfectly indispensable for an knowing of the world, and oneself."

I retrieve interviewing the parents of 1 acceptable of unthinkable siblings for whom question was truthful important that they saved each twelvemonth for 1 large trip; and they brought 2 weeks' worthy of homemade snacks truthful they wouldn't person to wage for that connected the road.

What each of these lessons person successful communal is that the parents I interviewed brought emotion and joyousness to helping their children grow. For the astir part, they were determination to enactment their children, but didn't spot themselves arsenic their coaches and critics.

Diane Paulus, the Broadway director, was dancing the American Ballet Theater astatine a precise young age, but her mother's approach, for maine personally, was an inspiring model. Her mother, she said, had a mode of "watching without desire."

Our occupation is to exposure our kids to opportunities, cognize them good capable to motivate them with love, and past fto their ain desires supply each the thrust they need.

Susan Dominus has worked for The New York Times since 2007, archetypal arsenic a Metro columnist and past arsenic unit writer for The New York Times Magazine. In 2018, she was portion of a squad that won a Pulitzer Prize for nationalist work for its reporting connected workplace intersexual harassment, and her nonfiction astir menopause in The New York Times Magazine won a National Magazine Award successful 2024. She teaches journalism astatine Yale University, and her caller book, "The Family Dynamic: A Journey into the Mystery of Sibling Success," is retired now. Follow her connected Instagram @suedominus.

Are you acceptable to bargain a house? Take Smarter by CNBC Make It's caller online course How to Buy Your First Home. Expert instructors volition assistance you measurement the outgo of renting vs. buying, financially prepare, and confidently navigate each measurement of the process—from owe basics to closing the deal. Sign up today and usage coupon codification EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% disconnected $97 (+taxes and fees) done July 15, 2025.